Have you ever heard of a “rainbow sheep?” It’s like a black sheep, only more colorful. I’m pretty sure that’s how my family sees me. I’m non-traditional. Let me paint the picture for you. In my family, kids are expected to grow up and become parents or priests or nuns. And people whisper about those (wink) uncles or aunts who don’t have a family.
I never became a parent.
I’m not in the mom club, I think my sisters secretly assume that I never grew up, like Peter Pan. Actually, sometimes I feel like I married Peter Pan, but thats another story.
At this point in our lives, my sister’s kids are almost grown, and my sweetie and I are Just getting, how should I say it, MATURE. Its just us, the original empty nesters. No kids, no accidents, just freedom of choice. I love Sex, but we never had kids and I’m not sad. I’ve been lucky enough to feel real love in my life, and I like the life we have.
When I was growing up, I hardly thought of being a mom. I’m a Tomboy. You know that school exercise where girls take care of an egg for a week to see what it feels like to be a parent… I boil it and dye it like an easter egg and hide it somewhere. (Try to remember where)
As a 10 year old kid, I am not even sure I like little kids. My neighbor asks me to stay with her baby. This little girl never stops crying. I don’t know that little kids just want their mommies. I’m thinking What is wrong with her? What is wrong with me? SHUT UP! Oh great. Now she’s SCARED too, and crying louder than ever! Remember, I was only ten. In my family, screaming kids get left in their crib until they fall asleep. I put her there and close the door. No more babysitting for me for a long time after that. I was traumatized.
I sometimes worry that I don’t have the knack for kids. But I feel like I SHOULD have kids. I mean, why else do I have a woman’s body? I have nice wide hips, probably birthing babies would be easier for me than other women. All my ancestors come from big families… Twelve kids in my great grandmother’s family, and eleven kids on my grandfather’s side… So, I know we secretly like sex a lot in my gene pool, but nobody really ever talks about it like that. But I do. I’m in the church of the big O. I think orgasms could save the world. Sex is so much more than procreation.
As a younger woman, I could describe myself as orgasm on autopilot. While looking for love that could last a lifetime, I am vaguely expecting to settle down one day and become a mom. I feel a swirl of spirits who follow me around, hoping that I will provide a body for their souls. These cupids highlight an ideal father for me by casting a glamour of light around someone new. I fall in love with an Irish musician, or an egghead inventor, or an ephemeral photographer. Every time my heart gets broken, I learn some sad truths about myself, and men, and the world. Before I met my husband, a day comes when I kindly inform the spirit children, my maybe babies, “I’m sorry my dears. I won’t be your mother this time, I’m too sad about this world that I see. I can’t promise you what you need in this world. I’ll save you the pain before you arrive.” They left me alone after that.
I’ve been with the love of my life for more than half my life and I assure you, we DID NOT FORGET to have children. As the Tomboy/Rainbow/Feminist/Black sheep of the family, my choices feel SO important to me, so defining of my efforts to be a responsible woman. To OWN my OWN womb, and to CHOOSE or NOT CHOOSE to become a parent. To love sex for its own sake, and to consciously partner and parent, or not, with freedom equal to men. I am passionate about this. This is what I stand for. I am glad I have a colorful life. This path has its own rewards. I think everyone my age should be so lucky!
Like May West once said, “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”